So all the weather reports said it was going to snow today here in Portland. Well….they lied. I was a little disappointed to wake up to the same old grey skies here. On the other hand, it was nice not to have to worry about our cheapo tires driving in the snow.

But anyway, my 34th birthday is coming up, and I am using my time to reflect upon where my life has led me and what I have accomplished. (or actually I meant to, really I’m just surfing the mommy blogs of Portland)

Today was one of those magical days when Mia was in a good mood. She didn’t fight about food or going pee pee or getting ready for school. She talked to Grandma. Maika flirted with Grandma and ate her vegetables at lunch. I sat on the floor in the playroom and played with both of them without wanting to jump up and do something else. Those days are rare.

I was explaining to one of the members of the writing group I am trying to join why I was there. I said something like “i want to get back into writing” and explained how since my children were born, it’s been progressively harder for me to do fiction writing. Then this famous author (whose books I love!) who was listening said “she’s trying to reclaim herself.”

It was like a little aha moment. Half of me said “yes!” I want to be that writer I was getting to be before Mia. The other half of me said something like “no! I don’t need to reclaim myself, I am me. This is my life. This is the life I chose and I am glad to be able to be at home with my kids.”

It’s so weird to have these like conflicting feelings about something so major and not really feel the need to tease them apart and resolve them. It’s okay. I can feel this way and everthing’s okay.

It’s like waking up and not seeing snow even when promised by the weatherman and being disappointed and relieved at the same time.

or not.