…that when my life is full and busy, that I can’t find the energy to synthesize the vague thoughts floating around in my brain into an actual coherent monologue.

Naoto’s out of town, the school PTC activities are giving me headaches, and work stuff is still taking a lot of my time.

And I want to have fuuuuuuuuuuun (cue whining with puppy dog eyes).

The only problem with having a full life…is…well…that its full.

In the midst of this fullness, I guess the overwhelming common theme is how much I appreciate my children. And how I struggle walking two fine lines. One line is the patience/irritation with everyday things like how fast girl2 eats her breakfast (glacially slow) and the amount of whining I have to hear when its homework time for girl1 (mountainous). And if I step back from those times, really there are a million reasons why these things don’t matter and shouldn’t stress me out. But its hard to remember that every day.

And the second line I walk is the pride line. It is so easy to feel good about yourself, and to take your own parental behaviors for granted without questioning them when your kids are doing okay in life. But there is a voice of niggling truth that reminds me that really I have very little to do with it. I mean, yes, I provide a foundation of love, but I can’t take credit for girl1’s amazing ability to learn the butterfly kick in the course of one swimming lesson, or the compliments I get for girl2’s ability to take any common phrase and say it such a way that is cute or funny. (I constantly have other parents commenting on her unfailing good nature and frivolity)

You see, I KNOW that I can’t take credit for it. And I know its a dangerous path to walk if you start equating innate characteristics of your children with your parenting skills…but its so insidious.

Because I don’t know about other mothers, but for me, parenting is like being dropped from a helicopter into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and being told “swim home.”

I mean there are sharks and icky seaweed below, the water’s choppy so you can’t tell what direction you are going, and if you stop for even ONE LITTLE INSTANT, you will drown.

So its easy to want your children’s achievement to be a sort of confirmation you’re going the right direction. But really that doesn’t work. I mean, you hear about all-start students freaking out, or unhappy students turning into Einstein all the time. So there has to be some other measure of parental success.

Anyone know what it is?

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